Hijrah

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

Hijrah. I think this is one of the sweetest moments of my life. To finally know The One. To finally know the true meaning of life. For the first time ever the purpose of life seemed more logical and understandable. For the first time, I felt alive.

It was around 3 years ago. Life to me was just fine, but I didn't know that there were more than just waking up at 5.30 am for school and going back to my room (I was staying at the hostel at that time. I was in Lower 6th) after the class had finished and going to night prep after Isyak prayer. Neither did I know that Fridays and Sundays were not supposed to be 'lazy days'.

And one Ramadhan night, boom! A bullet from tazkirah session hit, and I realised how ignorant I had been my whole life.And that day my journey began.

Ups and downs are normal. Up to this day I'm still facing so many struggles in this quest to earn His love. To fall down is a norm, but what matters is that effort to get back up and continue striving.

Stay strong fighters!

p/s : I actually would like to announce that I will no longer be writing for this blog as I have moved to my new page, Thoughts in Pieces, and all contents from this blog have also been imported to the new page. I would like to say Thank You to everyone, and I hope whatever I have shared here benefit us all both in this world and the Hereafter. Jazakumullahu Khair!

For myself first and foremost.

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

I can't really remember when I started to realise that writing is one of my strengths... well minus my so-not-girly handwriting. Back then in school, you know how the questions for language (Malay and English) are right? In that list of questions I have a high tendency to choose creative writing over factual/academic writing. I joined competitions. I found joy in creating stories and connecting the words dramatically, be it in English or Malay. I enjoy putting things into words.

As for blogging I started around 2008 or so. I was just a kid, and blogging was kind of the in-thing. Don't ask what were the things that I put in there, but they were definitely not something you would expect to come out of me. Even thinking about it makes me embarrassed sometimes. It has been safely deleted. But despite of all the foolish things I said, I actually enjoyed typing down my daily activities, new things I discovered, dissatisfaction and so forth.But despite of all this realisation that I have quite an ability to write, I never actually felt really passionate about it. All the competitions were just for the sake of joining and winning and trying out my luck, which most of the time, I was considerably lucky.

I'm not sure if it has developed into a passion or not, but recently I do feel some kind of relief when writing, especially on my journal which I just started after coming here. I started fresh with blogging around 2 years ago, which I failed to consistently write at first but I have overcome it after coming here, too. And not forgetting the success of "Kuadratik" (nerd aleeeert!!) Alhamdulillah.

As time passes my preference in the way of expressing my thoughts and ideas is expanding. Now, I am more into advocating in making the most out of life. We have a time limit to be in this world, which no one knows except for Allah, so why not make it more meaningful and presentable to Him in the Hereafter?

And in my current work I pour them all out, but as I am re-reading it I see that everything that I say is thrown back to my face.

"O you who have believed, why do you say what you do not do? Great is hatred in the sight of Allah that you say what you do not do." [As-Saff : 2-3]

And then I realised that actually we all know a bit of everything. We know how important it is to focus in our prayer. We know that prayer is an obligation upon us Muslims. We know the importance of sincerity. We know this, we know that. But there are things that we know but we don't practice, that we deliberately ignore on many unreasonable stances.  Or it's just seated at the very back of our head, waiting to come out.

So, everything that I said, is not merely me reminding everyone else, but it's a way of reminding myself, too. In the end, and in truth, it's me who needs them the most, a normal human being, still trying to strive and struggling to remain on His path. 

May Allah forgive us.

The blessing of health and time.

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

Spring has finally bloomed, and I got the chance to visit Gulhane Park last 2 weekends. I was actually meeting a fellow Bruneian who happened to be studying in one of the madrasahs in Istanbul. I chose Gulhane Park because I expected the tulips to have started blooming, And they did! So we spent that afternoon enjoying the flowers and scent of spring, updating each other about things happening since we last hung out together. The day went well  -until that night I started having fever.

Not only that, I developed quite a bad cough as well, and for the whole week I was sick and I had to stay in to rest. It took around 3-4 days for the fever to completely go away, and currently my cough is not driving me crazy anymore. But I'm still in the process of dezombifying myself after the Sick Week, because falling sick has disrupted my physical and mental system from functioning normally. My plans for the week were badly shifted. My mind wandered more than it usually does, and then at one point I missed being healthy again.

It reminded me of the hadith by Rasulullah SAW on time and health. Time and health are indeed deceiving. We rarely realise their presence until we lost them. As I was resting, too hot (literally) to do anything, coughing my chest out, things i was supposed to be doing and things i had been wanting to do were doing somersaults in  my head, and I started to wish I had done them earlier at the time when my health permits. But I was too late.

Take care of your time and health whenever you can, because once gone, it's not something you can easily regain.

Things (and people) I have learnt (and am learning) to appreciate.

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

If we were given a chance to rant about every bad thing that ever happened to our life we might spend the rest of our life whining, but the wise words tell us to count our blessings instead.

Well actually if I was given a chance to rant I'd be talking until your eardrums blow up. But thinking again...

.....“This is by the Grace of my Lord to test me whether I am grateful or ungrateful! And whoever is grateful, truly, his gratitude is for (the good of) his own self, and whoever is ungrateful, (he is ungrateful only for the loss of his own self). Certainly! My Lord is Rich (Free of all wants), Bountiful” [An-Naml: 40] 

Mindset plays an important role to your mental strength. It highly affects your performance in everything you are involved in, from your career to being a social creature. Gratitude is one of the characteristic of a positive person. Gratitude is knowing that whatever we have, they all come from Allah. Gratitude, makes you forget about complaining.

The path that I have chosen to walk on has taught me a lot of things. I've come across with new people, new experience and many other things. Along the way I realised that I have taken a lot of things for granted. I'm currently in the process of accepting the fact that I can't rewind and rewrite my life. The process is never-ending, anyway. But I know that I can fully utilise whatever I have now to create a better future. 

• Islam.

I am, by birth, a Muslim. I had the privilege of listening to iqamah the day when I was going to start my journey in this world, but I don't need to tell what came after that and how I was back then. I can never imagine where would I end up if Allah didn't cross my path with the right people. Some people have lost the meaning of their life, and some found it, but they couldn't find a way to reach it. Some struggle to the point of losing their life. But in my case Islam was like a beautiful gift wrapped up nicely that I couldn't see among other perishable gifts I enjoyed unwrapping. This, too, leads to...

• Brunei

I never really paid attention to it. Until I realised that it is my responsibility to serve the land that has served me first. Abode of Peace. It is indeed an abode of peace. Despite of internal conflicts that we have (don't deny that we do have conflicts), it is my home. It is where I was born. The comfort might make me cling to it a bit more than I should, but listening to my friends talking about the problems of their respective countries has made me miss Brunei a bit too much. The people may make you wanna roll your eyes until you can see your brain, but aren't people meant to annoy you anyway? There, I don't have to worry about getting stuck in the middle of a protest or riot at the Mall Gadong or tambing (closest equivalent of Taksim Square), or having to wait in a 200-people long line to get a health insurance. In relation to the previous point, I can practice my faith with ease, solat in a comfortable space, and taking wudhu in a clean and easy-to-move-around space. Free religious education, too is provided. Here, if you wanna study about religion you go to the source by yourself, but in Brunei it is given to you without you having to move around much. Not only that, you basically get free education and healthcare.

• Education

Maybe because Brunei provides scholarship for everyone. Some of us even get monthly allowance to come to school beginning from the Sixth Form. Seriously, who gets money for studying? Bruneians do (disclaimer : I did not receive any monthly allowance during my 6th Form years) and we don't have to pay for it afterwards. Education leads to advancement. Be it in economy, civilisation, technology and even towards Allah. Some parts of the world are struggling to get access to education, and here I am, sometimes resisting the urge to be absent from class. Some people have to fork out a large sum of money and loan to continue their study, and to make it worthwhile they need to work very hard, having to endure all kinds of pain while we don't need to work even 100x less harder than them.

• Money

And I feel sorry for myself for being waaaaayy too better in spending than in saving. Now I realised that I, too, might not be able to continue my post-grad study under a grant. Seriously, in 5 years time anything can change. Our national budget has been cut by a small percent, have you heard? Istanbul has taught me a lot on financial intelligence. Yes, money can't buy a better future, but to ease your future the involvement on money is inevitable. Self-control is very much needed. Being put in a foreign place means being able to stand on my two feet without having to depend so much on the others in many aspects.

•  Parents.

Like during those kapih moment I tend to love my parents more. But after quite a while I realised that I am no longer a little girl, I am an adult, who should be responsible for herself and all her actions and decisions,and when calculated it seems like they have spent a lot more than they should for me and I have received more than I deserve, not just in terms of money. And realising that I am an adult now, it comes to my realisation too that my parents aren't as energetic as they were before, and it cracks my heart a little that I can't be there to help around the house, and it cracks me more to realise that I haven't provided a good helping hand while I was able to do so.

• Family

Nothing can attach you to another person more than blood can. After a long day outside, having to deal with other human beings that are getting on your nerves, you know how good it feels to finally be able to meet the people that shares the same kitchen with you for your whole life, talking about the highlight of your day over a good food.

• Time

But how many hours have we let to pass by doing other unnecessary things, spending it on other unimportant people, and not utilising it to improve the condition of the ummah? Your family is a part of the ummah, too. Apart from that, with that time we used socialising on social media can be used for us to improve other skills and advancing ourself more, so by the time we are 19 we don't have to regret over the things we wish we had done when we were 15.

• Opportunities

Too many chances have passed by, too over unimportant matters.

• Mistakes

Mistakes = lessons. After a series of them, you will see the wisdom inside every potholes you fell into, and out of them, appreciation will grow.

.

Belajar untuk redha.

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim

****

  Hani mengibas-ngibas selimut, menepuk-nepuk katil. Cemas semakin jelas menghias wajahnya yang bersih. Rantai emas warisan dari moyangnya hilang. Sudah dua jam dia mencari tapi hampa. Debaran itu begitu menghangatkan, manik-manik peluh semakin timbul. Dia menyentuh lehernya, membayangkan kalung berloket berlian berbentuk hati itu. Tiba-tiba dia ditembak satu ingatan. Dia melucutkan rantai itu sebelum bermain bola jaring di kampus semalam dan lupa untuk memakainya kembali. Cemasnya berbuah resah.

***

  Operasi mencari dijalankan. Hani mengelilingi gelanggang bola jaring itu dibawah silau matahari, meneliti rumput yang baru dipotong. "Jumpa?" Nabilah bersuara dari jauh sambil menghadang matanya dari terkena pancaran sang suria. Hani menoleh, menggeleng, dan terus mencari. Wajahnya basah dengan peluh dan airmata. Nabilah setia menunggu sambil turut memerhatikan sekeliling, berharap rantai kesayangan Hani akan berkilau disimbah cahaya matahari.

  Hani mula melangkah menghampiri Nabilah dengan riak hampa. Suaranya tersekat di kerongkong. "It's okay," kata Nabilah lalu merangkul bahu Hani. Mereka beriringan menuju kereta.

*** 

  Hani melintas jambatan yang merentasi parit besar itu menuju ke masjid. Musim kemarau yang melanda mengeringkan air yang biasanya mengalir deras. Sampah-sarap yang terkumpul di dalam parit itu mengguris hatinya yang cinta akan kebersihan. Dia berhenti, merenung kekotoran itu dengan penuh rasa sebal. Tiba-tiba satu kilauan menarik perhatiannya. Dalam timbunan sampah-sarah itu satu loket berlian berbentuk hati terjulur keluar.

"Alhamdulillah!" Hentakan kaki Hani yang berlari girang menggoncang lantai papan jambatan, dan babak hampir setahun yang lalu bermain di fikirannya.

"Mungkin sudah tiba masanya rantai itu milikkau lagi," Nabilah cuba menenangkan sambil memandu dengan kelajuan sederhana. Hani masih diam dengan air mata yang mengalir tanpa henti. Nabilah mencuri pandang. "Percayalah, apa yang Allah sudah seal jadi milik kita akan tetap milik kita selagi Allah tidak menetapkan sebaliknya," sambung Nabilah lagi. Hani masih melayan perasaan. Sekali lagi Nabilah melirik ke sebelah. "Siapa kita untuk cakap sesuatu itu hak milik kita? Kita tidak punya apa-apa. Semua yang ada pada kita adalah pemberian Allah. Bila-bila saja Allah boleh tarik pemberian itu. Segalanya Allah yang punya, bukan kita." ujar Nabilah dengan nada memujuk. Kata-kata Nabilah menyentap Hani, lalu dia beristighfar, menyesal atas keterlupaannya tentang hakikat itu. Dia terus beristighfar beberapa kali. Hatinya mula tenang. Dia menoleh ke arah Nabilah, lalu tersenyum. Nabilah membalas senyumannya. Dia redha. 

(TAMAT)

Berdasarkan kisah benar. Bukanlah se-epic cerita di atas, tapi cukup menguji sifat redha yang ada dalam diri.

Semoga kita tidak tergolong dalam golongan yang mengeluh saat diuji dengan kehilangan.

Being responsible for yourself.

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

It's been close to 5 months since I left home, and one of the major life lesson I've learnt (still having it in fact) is self-management. Not saying that I can't manage myself before, but after coming here I need to do it more than before. I'm sure I'm not the only one facing this.

No more scream demanding you to clean your room.

No more voice telling you to eat properly to keep your gastric at bay.

Having no one you can wake up at 3 in the morning to drive you to the hospital because your fever has not subsided after 4 days and is keeping you awake.

It's saddening and breaking you apart at times . All your source of strength is Allah, yourself and your friends. Oh, and your family too, via virtual world.

But deep inside you know that you can't be forever dependent like that. You know that one day it will end, but you are having it in a different way and maybe a bit earlier. So you decide that you have to get up on your feet on your own, walk your path, try not to stumble.

It's tiring. One day you might even find yourself shattered all over the place because it's squeezing you too tightly.

But isn't that the purpose of Allah sending you into such situation? A strong Muslim is more favoured by Allah than a weak one, and He is impressed by those who do not waste their time of youth.

It's not a shame to be responsible for yourself. It's a shame if you can't be responsible for yourself. Being responsible for yourself is basically providing the best for yourself, not letting yourself astray towards destruction.

Be grateful when  Allah sent you to a place where you need to raise yourself up. Allah is giving you a chance to impress Him. Being away from your family means you need to look after yourself and have control over yourself.

And everybody has a control over themselves, but only one out of two can hold the remote, either desire or wisdom.

You decide.

Worry ends where faith begins.

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

After our winter break during the first class we were shocked with the news that we were going to have class on Fridays, 9 am-6pm with 2 hr break between 12pm-2pm, and before this we had an extra day of weekend on Friday, so this explains why we were kinda dumbstruck for days.

Yesterday was the first class. Since I'm a morning person I could cope with the lesson well, Alhamdulillah. But by 3pm-4pm it was a struggle to keep my head on the teacher. In the mid of that a classmate was reading my friend's palm. We were sitting in a row. I asked her to read mine for fun.

[credit]

The verdict was :

1.     I'm gonna have 3-4 children

2.     I'll be married to a foreigner.

The second one got me staring at my palm for quite some time.

Other than those, my life line is missing. I don't know what does that suppose to mean, and on the "life" area it's not too wrinkly, which means my life is not gonna be too bumpy. Well, considering my life now I doubt so. Briefly describing there are only two thick lines on both of my palms, hence due to the extreme faintness of the lines nothing much can be concluded. And oh, another friend also took a look on my palm and said I'm gonna get married early.

Ahem. Stop looking at your palms please.

Note : Believing any form of fortune-telling may negatively affect our 'aqidah. Na'uzubillah.

The thing about these stuff is we when we believe them it leads to self-fulfilling prophecy.

Urban Dictionary :  Positive or negative expectations about circumstances, events, or people that may affect a persons behavior toward them in a manner that he or she (unknowingly) creates situations in which those expectations are fulfilled. In other words, causing something to happen by believing it will come true.

I was seriously staring at my palms awkwardly, trying to make sense out of the prediction. I checked eHow website on how palms are read and started doing the calculation. Okay so honestly I was kind of scared since I am currently in a multinational surrounding, so the number-2 sounded so highly possible to happen.

 Then it struck me.

Why do I have to be afraid about things that aren't in my hands?

Pun not intended.

These matters had been written on my page. Like my missing life line it doesn't mean I'm gonna die early, but I know that my day in this world is numbered, and all I need to do is live my life according to what Allah swt has instructed to do. And with all the other predictions, meh. I have many other tasks unaccomplished, for instance my assignment which is due this Monday, keeping all my 'amal up and improving, to not come back to Brunei as another leech on government's money, to tell people that there is another life waiting after death, which is infinite times better only if you live the current one enslaving yourself to the Almighty.

If you have enough faith that Allah is always providing the best for you, you won't budge even a bit to stare at your palm, which I did, you won't be bothered to wonder who is that person that takes up a spot on one line on the surface of you hand, you won't be bothered to wonder what problems you will encounter that caused your palm to look ugly. 

The lines on your hands are meaningless, unless if those two hands are worn out due to many good deeds you did.

The most important thing is :-

Rasūlullah e said, “Allah said, ‘I am as My servant thinks (expects) I am. I am with him when he mentions Me. If he mentions Me to himself, I mention him to Myself; and if he mentions Me in an assembly, I mention him in an assembly greater than it. If he draws near to Me a hand’s length, I draw near to him an arm’s length. If he comes to Me walking, I go to him hastily. 

 [Al-Bukhari]