Istanbul -The Land of Strugglers

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim
Assalamu'alaikum wrt wbt

When i tell people i was gonna study in Istanbul I gotta endure all the "siuk-jua" reactions. I was actually quite excited as well. the only images I had in my mind were all the tourist attractions. I couldn't help gasping in awe when I first came, and I told myself this is gonna be fun. The first few days went well, and now I'm entering my 4th month, I'm living the reality and things aren't as good as I thought. 

Currently I haven't got my ikamet (residence permit) while all my friends who did it weeks or months after me have got theirs. I'm slowly learning to ignore the stares in bus, train or even in the dining hall at campus sometimes, and now that I can understand Turkish better I need to endure slight mockery too, though this is not as bad as the former, and don't make me start on the bureaucracy. Not forgetting the moments when I got lost trying to go around places. I'm still in the process of managing myself in order to survive this city. 

Other than those, frankly speaking Istanbul is quite pricey as well. People might get excited to shop at the Grand Bazaar, but seriously that place is the last one we'd go for souvenir shopping. And oh my, the men trying to talk you into coming to their shop or restaurant is just overwhelming. Believe it or not sometimes they even come to the extent of following you around. My friends and I wanted to buy the bus ticket to Ankara earlier. It was our first time, and as we got out of the train station at the Otogar Coach, one of the stations that connect Istanbul to other cities, several men were waiting literally at the end of the escalator, asking everyone where they want to go. The Otogar apparently is also an area where there are tens or maybe hundreds of offices of bus companies that provide transportation services. Just imagine the shops in BSB area but instead of shops the inside are ticket counters of many different companies. I was suggested to go with Metro or Varan (bus companies), but the men was so insistent they would bring us to buy the ticket. 

We were overwhelmed and absentmindedly agreed to follow one of them. Took us few seconds to digest everything and I was kinda speechless as we followed him. We stopped for a while, discussed about it and decided that we'd just check the prices first and then compare with other companies. He brought us to one company I didn't manage to see the name. the price was quite cheap but we still decided to check out if we could find better ones. So we explained that we wanted to check out the other companies but the person at the counter and the man that brought us insisted that they got the best price. We said we'd come again if we haven't got the ticket, so we went out and checked out at another company, and when we turn around we saw the man waiting for us outside. At this moment i started to freak out. We got out and he insisted us to go with the company he offered earlier. we politely said no but he still insisted that he even reduced the price. We refused and he gave up, but I sensed dissatisfaction in his face. so we continued to go around the place to go to one of the suggested ticket offices and passing by row of offices we got slowed down by the promoters promoting their companies. at one point an uncle stopped us and pushed us to buy ticket from the company he's working for. he even disallowed us from buying ticket from the company we wanted to buy from saying that they were expensive. When we said 'it's okay, we'll check first' there was a negative change in his expression, and when we left him he followed us and watched us from outside as we were buying our ticket. Creepy, I know. Along our way back too we got stopped numerous time but it was easier since we got our ticket.

This incident reminds me the situation in the Grand Bazaar and Spice Bazaar or anywhere else in Istanbul. You see same things everywhere. In one row of 10 eating houses its not impossible that you will see 10 doner skewers on display. Thing is you will find same things in one place. At the Grand Bazaar one vendor selling souvenirs are literally not more than 5 steps to the next that sell exactly the same stuff, and worse there are like hundreds of them. Same case with the Spice Bazaar, where hundreds of vendors selling same types of herbs and teas and sorts and they are all priced the same. The competition is just too harsh.

Thinking again I'm actually luckier than the others that come here to make their ends meet, because I don't need to annoy people as much as they do to survive this place unharmed. When even the locals are having a hard life I can't expect myself to get things done easily like they do back home. I think everyone is struggling here, whoever they are. I struggle, they struggle, everybody struggles. It's a good experience though, I would say. I have learnt to appreciate things more, and this place really shows me another way of handling life. And doesn't struggle come to toughen yourself? It does.

According to your potential.

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.
Assalamu'alaikum wrt wbt.

I can't really remember when exactly i started writing (which does not include facebook statuses), but it was around the time when blogging was like one of the craze at that time, probably when I was 13 or so. Around that time too I started to create quite highly imaginative stories, inspired by stories I came across. Time ticked, and I developed. my old blog has been deleted due to inactivity and nonsensical contents but mostly the latter. I started fresh with this new page, with the hope that it can benefit anyone.

New things, however, come with new challenges. Have i talked about insecurity and lack of confidence? One thing about realising what you have become is sometimes we are too afraid of the expectations and reactions we might get from our surrounding. I don't know to what extent is this true but it is I think kind of so me. So many things have been kept to vanish and some even have been kept unsolved. Actually, the only expectation we can't meet is our own expectation of ourselves. It's either because we put a mental barrier between ourselves and our expectations or our expectation is just too high and in the end we feel sorry for ourselves. Guess what? We don't have to. We don't have to be sorry for things we cant do. We don't have to be sorry for not being able to go straight to beyond our limit.

We do have our own limits. but we can expand it if we are willing to. Potential is like a space confined by brick walls. You can walk within it but you can't pass through the wall without having to break it, but of course you need rebuild the wall again in case you tore it down to clear the mess. Hence, utilise whatever is available within that space. You will be able to create more and in the meantime too you will naturally expand the boundary and adds more space according to your necessity. No rush, and no worry, because that space is yours. No one else can walk in it as fabulously as you do.

Coming to terms with the fact that I am, after all, a human being

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim
Assalamu'alaikum wrt wbt.

Personally speaking, I think a lot. if only thinking did not require new experience to constantly reshape my view on something i'd be a statue by now. Apart from the huge differences it has with Brunei, Istanbul  is a city full of surprises. The snow in my place was quite thick the other day, for example, and many more other things that have been bombarding me since the first day i came here.

Currently, im being tested with quite a complicated equation. Along the line i'm putting in factors, possibilities, causes, effects, consequences, outcomes and such and try to reason with myself.

Personally speaking, too, i'm actually afraid of making mistakes and i highly prefer perfection despite of not being a perfectionist. When things fall even slightly apart, i'll panic like the world is ending and start apologising though actually there's no big deal with that. when the guilt presents it burns me to ashes. i whisper to myself how stupid i am for making mistakes.

however, with the experiences and the constant thinking/reasoning i realised that i'm actually a normal human being, and human is quite well known to make mistake. i really forgot that i am a human being, not kidding.

im sure someone somewhere is encountering the same problem. we cant accept our weaknesses and start to curse ourselves when they surface now and then, and that is not healthy. we forgot that perfection doesnt exist in this temporary world.

im slowly trying to embrace that natural part of being human -making mistakes. it's hard, but that's just the fact.

Did you just screw something up? Congratulations, you are a normal human being.

Rebuilding a new (and better!) self.

Assalamu'alaikum wrt wbt,

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim

I believe each and every one of us have encountered that one particular point in our life where everything seems so wrong for no reason. it just feels...wrong. and your heart feels empty. and you feel lonely. and you start to turn to something else to fill the holes, yet the chaotic silence in you is still haunting. and you swayed far from your inner peace. and at another point you realised how far you have gone. Guilt.

Be grateful when that feeling kicks in. Your heart is still alive.

That first breath you take after waking up every morning comes with millions of reasons to be grateful. You are still alive. You still have a chance to watch the beauty of His creations. You might have time to finish the assignment due today. But most importantly, you have the chance to make everything better than they were yesterday, including yourself.

Stop dwelling in the past. Cry first if you need to, but move on as fast as you can.

When you have that feeling, it's definitely a guidance from Allah. Hold it tightly and don't let it go, because the next time might never come, and (referring to the coming new year) you might not live to the next year. Take whatever you have now, and utilise them wisely.

As a normal human being I understand that it's hard, but make even a slightest effort is much much better than nothing. Never let the turtle speed stop you.

Have faith, have determination.

9, sick and 3.

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim

Assalamu'alaikum wrt wbt.

Life vs me. Life has won. Thoughts of letting my fingers dance stayed as mere thoughts and many things have diffused away. I'm not even sure where to start now. Things changed quite drastically this year and the path comes in spiral and zigzag. i've stayed dormant for 9 months from writing, and i've broken quite a number of promises to myself to start again, but today alhamdulillah i've let my fingers win. not quite, im unwell so i got some extra times to make something i usually dont have a chance to do so. like writing.

This year i'd say is quite an important year. another transition took place, but it was unexpected to be like it is now. Apart from the busyness of handling activities (ref :here), gaining experiences and what nots, i was supposed to start my university last August. My choices and enrollment process was quite epic. Ranging from studying abroad, staying local to gap year (but this one came quite later than the other two), from psychology, media and communication, law to theology, i've got my next destination backed up with plans with several letters. Currently, however, it's my third month in Istanbul and i know people still celebrate monthsaries, today marks my third monthsary of leaving Brunei lol.

i was surprised as well that eventually i'd end up here. as a normal human being it's normal to have that desire to step foot in here but never in my whole life have i imagined to come and stay here as a student. i have enrolled to UBD the other day and was actually quite determined to develop that best of me, but right after the 4th day of orientation one email turned everything 180 degrees. i was actually quite scared to take that chance but after consultations with everyone and the process went very smoothly, i was convinced that this is the path that i was meant to walk on.

and with of all struggles i've faced, indeed Allah is the best planner. i managed to slowly brush off some bad habits i was hardly able to kill back then,develop new ones and with the responsibilities that came along and people i met along the way, this struggle is one of the best things that happened to me. but i'd be lying if i said i never reach any weak point. i did have some breakdowns that left me feeling shattered, but i learnt to wipe my own tears, get over it and be as strong as i can.


The lesson i learnt? everything happens for many reasons. it is hard to embrace this new life, but if i were to stay in my comfort zone and looking back now, i cant trust that person to realise my dream.

Here's an inspiration to keep moving and breaking the cycle

“The intelligent and refined find no rest in dwelling in one place,

So leave your homeland and travel far away!

Travel and you will meet new people replacing those left behind,

And tire yourself out, because it makes life worth living!

I have seen that water stagnates when it stands still,

Yet when it runs it is sweet and pure.

And if the lion left not its land,

it would not catch its prey

And if the arrow left not the bow,

it would not hit its aim

And if the sun moved not across the horizon,

People the world over would have tired of the sky.”

- Imam Shafi'e

Who are we to judge?

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim

Assalamu'alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.

so everyone's heard of the death of the 6 youths caused by drug overdose during the FMFA(?)

social networks have been buzzing with criticisms and comments.
people sighing and shaking their heads upon hearing the news.

i know it's inevitable to have that (yknow what i mean) thought. I personally have crossed that situation as well.

STOP.

clear everything in your mind

and ask yourself.

who am i to deny that Allah is The Most Merciful?

Husnuzon. what you see may not be the real picture. i mean, c'mon. i believe almost everyone got deceived by Jasmine Johari, including Awani and me. what has been reported by the medias are mere facts. dont quickly judge anything based on what you've been told. yes, we have our own perceptions, but again, husnuzon. brush off that negative thoughts.


you never know if they got to repent that very final second before Izrail took their lives.

and once Allah have accepted their repentance everything in the sin account will be cleared out. EVERYTHING. which technically means they are just as pure as babies.


and compare that with us, who are soooo busy being judgmental and whatnot. well...

just stop being so judgmental. keep on making du'a for them, keep on making du'a for ourselves and our loved ones, for du'a is the weapon of the Believers.

leave the judging to Allah. dont be too consumed by your point of view.

Death - the ultimate resting time

Assalamu'alaikum

so in my previous entry i have stated that i am currently on a long leave, and it has got longer since the results came out last month, and alhamdulillah i am eligible to continue my study  to uni level.

and that extra time to waste? HAHAHAHAHAHA

i've been busy.

which is a great thing, because i just simply have no time to waste.
well actually i do, but not as much as i have expected.

im all occupied by activities, especially our new club, which has become a quarter of me. The endless meetings, discussions, this that yada yada, and all gone the imaginations of me chilling in my room goyang kaki watching aku ada wali and giggling my heart out. honestly i have never been this productive my whole life, which.. alhamdulillah, is another achievement.

my body clock however is kinda messed up now. my free time is almost always occupied with hours of nap and excessive eating and constant weariness. i couldnt help looking forward to the break we have planned, and as usual, some kind of epiphany hit me.

i remember how once a friend of mine told me how her grandmother complained on how tired she was with the endless chores. "sudah mati kali baru buleh berehat?" she said. the answer to the supposedly theoretical question, however,is ironically YES. this world isnt a resting place. we are constantly being tested by Al- Khaliq both consciously and unconsciously, be it with hardship or ease. Allah tests us with hardship to see if we will turn to him to seek for His help, and He tests us with ease to see if we will thank Him for granting us ease, and it wont stop unless we're dead. well, life is a constant battle right?

The life after death is directly proportional to how we did in the world. think you will gain the highest Jannah just like that? the real success is attaining Jannah, and the sweetness of success can only be felt after tiring yourself with selfless efforts. tired of life? tiring life? thats normal. dont give up just yet. even the Burj Khalifa didnt finish in just one day. work hard for the afterlife, there's a reason why Allah has provided us with a massively long list of ibadah. gather as much good deeds as you can, so you can rest peacefully in your grave later in life.

may the odds be ever in our favour. xx