Rebuilding a new (and better!) self.

Assalamu'alaikum wrt wbt,

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim

I believe each and every one of us have encountered that one particular point in our life where everything seems so wrong for no reason. it just feels...wrong. and your heart feels empty. and you feel lonely. and you start to turn to something else to fill the holes, yet the chaotic silence in you is still haunting. and you swayed far from your inner peace. and at another point you realised how far you have gone. Guilt.

Be grateful when that feeling kicks in. Your heart is still alive.

That first breath you take after waking up every morning comes with millions of reasons to be grateful. You are still alive. You still have a chance to watch the beauty of His creations. You might have time to finish the assignment due today. But most importantly, you have the chance to make everything better than they were yesterday, including yourself.

Stop dwelling in the past. Cry first if you need to, but move on as fast as you can.

When you have that feeling, it's definitely a guidance from Allah. Hold it tightly and don't let it go, because the next time might never come, and (referring to the coming new year) you might not live to the next year. Take whatever you have now, and utilise them wisely.

As a normal human being I understand that it's hard, but make even a slightest effort is much much better than nothing. Never let the turtle speed stop you.

Have faith, have determination.

9, sick and 3.

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim

Assalamu'alaikum wrt wbt.

Life vs me. Life has won. Thoughts of letting my fingers dance stayed as mere thoughts and many things have diffused away. I'm not even sure where to start now. Things changed quite drastically this year and the path comes in spiral and zigzag. i've stayed dormant for 9 months from writing, and i've broken quite a number of promises to myself to start again, but today alhamdulillah i've let my fingers win. not quite, im unwell so i got some extra times to make something i usually dont have a chance to do so. like writing.

This year i'd say is quite an important year. another transition took place, but it was unexpected to be like it is now. Apart from the busyness of handling activities (ref :here), gaining experiences and what nots, i was supposed to start my university last August. My choices and enrollment process was quite epic. Ranging from studying abroad, staying local to gap year (but this one came quite later than the other two), from psychology, media and communication, law to theology, i've got my next destination backed up with plans with several letters. Currently, however, it's my third month in Istanbul and i know people still celebrate monthsaries, today marks my third monthsary of leaving Brunei lol.

i was surprised as well that eventually i'd end up here. as a normal human being it's normal to have that desire to step foot in here but never in my whole life have i imagined to come and stay here as a student. i have enrolled to UBD the other day and was actually quite determined to develop that best of me, but right after the 4th day of orientation one email turned everything 180 degrees. i was actually quite scared to take that chance but after consultations with everyone and the process went very smoothly, i was convinced that this is the path that i was meant to walk on.

and with of all struggles i've faced, indeed Allah is the best planner. i managed to slowly brush off some bad habits i was hardly able to kill back then,develop new ones and with the responsibilities that came along and people i met along the way, this struggle is one of the best things that happened to me. but i'd be lying if i said i never reach any weak point. i did have some breakdowns that left me feeling shattered, but i learnt to wipe my own tears, get over it and be as strong as i can.


The lesson i learnt? everything happens for many reasons. it is hard to embrace this new life, but if i were to stay in my comfort zone and looking back now, i cant trust that person to realise my dream.

Here's an inspiration to keep moving and breaking the cycle

“The intelligent and refined find no rest in dwelling in one place,

So leave your homeland and travel far away!

Travel and you will meet new people replacing those left behind,

And tire yourself out, because it makes life worth living!

I have seen that water stagnates when it stands still,

Yet when it runs it is sweet and pure.

And if the lion left not its land,

it would not catch its prey

And if the arrow left not the bow,

it would not hit its aim

And if the sun moved not across the horizon,

People the world over would have tired of the sky.”

- Imam Shafi'e

Who are we to judge?

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim

Assalamu'alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.

so everyone's heard of the death of the 6 youths caused by drug overdose during the FMFA(?)

social networks have been buzzing with criticisms and comments.
people sighing and shaking their heads upon hearing the news.

i know it's inevitable to have that (yknow what i mean) thought. I personally have crossed that situation as well.

STOP.

clear everything in your mind

and ask yourself.

who am i to deny that Allah is The Most Merciful?

Husnuzon. what you see may not be the real picture. i mean, c'mon. i believe almost everyone got deceived by Jasmine Johari, including Awani and me. what has been reported by the medias are mere facts. dont quickly judge anything based on what you've been told. yes, we have our own perceptions, but again, husnuzon. brush off that negative thoughts.


you never know if they got to repent that very final second before Izrail took their lives.

and once Allah have accepted their repentance everything in the sin account will be cleared out. EVERYTHING. which technically means they are just as pure as babies.


and compare that with us, who are soooo busy being judgmental and whatnot. well...

just stop being so judgmental. keep on making du'a for them, keep on making du'a for ourselves and our loved ones, for du'a is the weapon of the Believers.

leave the judging to Allah. dont be too consumed by your point of view.

Death - the ultimate resting time

Assalamu'alaikum

so in my previous entry i have stated that i am currently on a long leave, and it has got longer since the results came out last month, and alhamdulillah i am eligible to continue my study  to uni level.

and that extra time to waste? HAHAHAHAHAHA

i've been busy.

which is a great thing, because i just simply have no time to waste.
well actually i do, but not as much as i have expected.

im all occupied by activities, especially our new club, which has become a quarter of me. The endless meetings, discussions, this that yada yada, and all gone the imaginations of me chilling in my room goyang kaki watching aku ada wali and giggling my heart out. honestly i have never been this productive my whole life, which.. alhamdulillah, is another achievement.

my body clock however is kinda messed up now. my free time is almost always occupied with hours of nap and excessive eating and constant weariness. i couldnt help looking forward to the break we have planned, and as usual, some kind of epiphany hit me.

i remember how once a friend of mine told me how her grandmother complained on how tired she was with the endless chores. "sudah mati kali baru buleh berehat?" she said. the answer to the supposedly theoretical question, however,is ironically YES. this world isnt a resting place. we are constantly being tested by Al- Khaliq both consciously and unconsciously, be it with hardship or ease. Allah tests us with hardship to see if we will turn to him to seek for His help, and He tests us with ease to see if we will thank Him for granting us ease, and it wont stop unless we're dead. well, life is a constant battle right?

The life after death is directly proportional to how we did in the world. think you will gain the highest Jannah just like that? the real success is attaining Jannah, and the sweetness of success can only be felt after tiring yourself with selfless efforts. tired of life? tiring life? thats normal. dont give up just yet. even the Burj Khalifa didnt finish in just one day. work hard for the afterlife, there's a reason why Allah has provided us with a massively long list of ibadah. gather as much good deeds as you can, so you can rest peacefully in your grave later in life.

may the odds be ever in our favour. xx

A talk on the time

Assalamu'alaikum.

AAAAAAaaand it's 2014! time flies so fast when you use it wisely, but it flies faster when you waste it lol. New year comes again Alhamdulillah. All praise goes to Allah who has given us opportunity to continue living on His earth.

im pretty sure im gonna have a hard time writing down the number 2014 on anything that needs a date, because my 2013 is virtually extended since im on a long leave. result will be out in about a month and i will be away from formal education for (HOPEFULLY!!) 6-8 months or so, sooo yeah. extra time to waste. NOT!

i believe this doesnt happen to me alone. looking back at the past years, i wish i hadnt wasted so much time on useless things or activities, because i  have realised now that i have been missing some, if not most, of the crucial parts of my life. i sometimes ask myself what have i done with my life in averagely 3 intonations, and although it gives several answers depending on the tone, numerically it's either negative or just a bit more than 0. and it's not about me alone, but everybody else. why be bothered you might ask. but, why not? right?

believe it or not even our tiniest action may trigger reactions in some ways from people. at the age of 17, what have i done to people around me so far? im still searching for the answer actually, or better yet, im making the answer. 17 years, almost half of it spent/wasted on unnecessary things, and only at 16-17 do i realise that many things have slipped through my fingers. fortunately im not too late.

we are never too young to contribute to our communities, my dearest friends. we arent gonna live forever, and death is just right behind you. you can never promise that you will still be alive tomorrow. try your best to not waste even a jiffy of time granted by Allah to you. dont wait until you are "old enough" or worse  -dead. dont be another burden on someone else's shoulder, even your parents.

'insomnia' post

assalamulaikum

the clock has just entered 12, and here i am composing an entry with my phone 😴

its not that im not tired, i am. so tired in fact. too tired to sleep. it happens right? 😂 well maybe this is partly because of the sound of a crying dog not far from my house.

and at time like this when you are just alone in your room you feel...alone. and the past innocently kicks in. it can be embarrassing, funny, neutral or the worst of all -haunting.

chin up ya akhi wa ukhti. self-reflection is the best way to deal with the haunting images of the past. remember that your past builds who you are today. remember that Allah is with the patient.

jaga hati, jaga iman.

this is one of the most effective phrase for me. jaga hati, cos hati affects you in all ways.

jaga iman. dont regret your past, because thats just like violating one of the rukun iman, having faith in qadha and qadar. Nauzubillah

 

i wish you all a good sleep 😊

A hectic week indeed!

Assalamualaikum

can you believe that it's november already?! hello hello 

alhamdulillah, as of today i only have one paper left for my A level, which is psychology 3. i'll be sitting for on the 19th, insyaAllah. wish me luck!

to be honest i am trying my best to make this blog not diary-ish, but more like something for me to share my thoughts, lessons etc, or in simpler words something for me to share knowledge.

BUT 

this one may be like an exception.

a bit.

this week started with my socio 3 exam. fyi, socio is my weakest point. i didnt score well for my nov '12 and june '13 AS, but i did improve by two grades. but it wasnt enough. im grateful though because overall i have improved except for my math ( it dropped by 7%) and i jumped 3 grades for my psychology. well skip skip

my biggest problem with socio is i just dont read enough. socio is all about willing to read (and actually give a spit) about what the sociologists think. my sir's been telling me to read more since last year but i.... have issue with willpower *cricketcricket*

well anyway, alhamdulillah the exam didnt go like my internal tests and exams. i have always had trouble writing fluently in my exams and tests, because as you know i didnt read and memorize enough facts. almost 30% of the time was usually used just to recall and cross out what i wrote down on the paper. mind you that in socio the 1.5 hr is NOT usually enough to write everything you have learnt in that one year (3 hours in the case of A2) so minus the 30% you actually barely have enough time to actually write something relevant and meaningful. i didnt have enough time either to write everything on the paper for my recent paper, which is actually a good thing. 

because i usually have time to waste.

during that exam i took up to plus minus 95% for writing. though incomplete, i could recall almost all facts i have revised. FINALLY for the first time i felt the joy of writing (hopefully) enough facts. i can never forget how my sir have always said 'write more, write more' to me. it's funny though that he never smacked me for failing to write enough for most of my assignments. honestly he is the most supportive teacher i have ever had. the way he believes in me is really unbelievable. like seriously, i failed my nov AS but he still pushed me to go beyond what i have shown him. he knows that im capable of doing better. when i told him i almost got a C for my june AS he simply said 'yes, i know. you can get an A, even'. HOW COOL IS THAT?? he has always told me that i can do better despite of failing to do that. every single time. well i finally followed his advice for real and hence lesson learnt -always listen to your teacher.

well the 5th of nov we (my family) celebrated my parents' 34th wedding anniversary. 

and on the 6th i attended the 3rd SOASCIS International Conference (SICON3), and it was the best event i have attended so far. the theme this year was "Towards A Healthy Youth Culture : The Role of Islamic Family and Educational Values". around 20 plus speakers were present from Brunei, neighbouring countries, Europe, USA, Australia, S. Africa, Kyrgyzstan and few others ( there were like 13 countries if im not mistaken). the event went on for 3 days until the 8th. honestly it was an honour to be able to be in the same room with all the scholars. they have shared many things that were linked to issues such as family and education from Islamic perspectives. every knowledge that i have gained from the conference is totally priceless. they were very frank in answering questions we threw them and they really treated us like their own students. we even actually ate together! not all of us though, but you know what i mean. the discussions went beyond the formality of the event. at times we approached them individually and asked them some questions related to their area of expertise. i cant list out every single lesson that i have learnt from all the speakers because that would take the whole day to write everything (we got 20 speakers!) but one tips given by a scholar who memorizes the Qur'an and many,many hadith by heart was WATCH WHAT YOU TAKE INTO YOUR BODY VERY CAREFULLY. this includes eating halal and good food, protect your eyes from seeing bad things, and think positively. Also refrain yourself from indulging in useless activities so much and enjoy the nature (he is from somewhere in the Middle East, he said Brunei has so many beautiful places). really, the conference was very eye-opening. it gave me an insight of Islam from a totally new perspective and changed my way of thinking and perceiving things as well.

so 3 days of conference and we got a new family member in between!

And it's another boy :3