Hijrah

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

Hijrah. I think this is one of the sweetest moments of my life. To finally know The One. To finally know the true meaning of life. For the first time ever the purpose of life seemed more logical and understandable. For the first time, I felt alive.

It was around 3 years ago. Life to me was just fine, but I didn't know that there were more than just waking up at 5.30 am for school and going back to my room (I was staying at the hostel at that time. I was in Lower 6th) after the class had finished and going to night prep after Isyak prayer. Neither did I know that Fridays and Sundays were not supposed to be 'lazy days'.

And one Ramadhan night, boom! A bullet from tazkirah session hit, and I realised how ignorant I had been my whole life.And that day my journey began.

Ups and downs are normal. Up to this day I'm still facing so many struggles in this quest to earn His love. To fall down is a norm, but what matters is that effort to get back up and continue striving.

Stay strong fighters!

p/s : I actually would like to announce that I will no longer be writing for this blog as I have moved to my new page, Thoughts in Pieces, and all contents from this blog have also been imported to the new page. I would like to say Thank You to everyone, and I hope whatever I have shared here benefit us all both in this world and the Hereafter. Jazakumullahu Khair!

For myself first and foremost.

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

I can't really remember when I started to realise that writing is one of my strengths... well minus my so-not-girly handwriting. Back then in school, you know how the questions for language (Malay and English) are right? In that list of questions I have a high tendency to choose creative writing over factual/academic writing. I joined competitions. I found joy in creating stories and connecting the words dramatically, be it in English or Malay. I enjoy putting things into words.

As for blogging I started around 2008 or so. I was just a kid, and blogging was kind of the in-thing. Don't ask what were the things that I put in there, but they were definitely not something you would expect to come out of me. Even thinking about it makes me embarrassed sometimes. It has been safely deleted. But despite of all the foolish things I said, I actually enjoyed typing down my daily activities, new things I discovered, dissatisfaction and so forth.But despite of all this realisation that I have quite an ability to write, I never actually felt really passionate about it. All the competitions were just for the sake of joining and winning and trying out my luck, which most of the time, I was considerably lucky.

I'm not sure if it has developed into a passion or not, but recently I do feel some kind of relief when writing, especially on my journal which I just started after coming here. I started fresh with blogging around 2 years ago, which I failed to consistently write at first but I have overcome it after coming here, too. And not forgetting the success of "Kuadratik" (nerd aleeeert!!) Alhamdulillah.

As time passes my preference in the way of expressing my thoughts and ideas is expanding. Now, I am more into advocating in making the most out of life. We have a time limit to be in this world, which no one knows except for Allah, so why not make it more meaningful and presentable to Him in the Hereafter?

And in my current work I pour them all out, but as I am re-reading it I see that everything that I say is thrown back to my face.

"O you who have believed, why do you say what you do not do? Great is hatred in the sight of Allah that you say what you do not do." [As-Saff : 2-3]

And then I realised that actually we all know a bit of everything. We know how important it is to focus in our prayer. We know that prayer is an obligation upon us Muslims. We know the importance of sincerity. We know this, we know that. But there are things that we know but we don't practice, that we deliberately ignore on many unreasonable stances.  Or it's just seated at the very back of our head, waiting to come out.

So, everything that I said, is not merely me reminding everyone else, but it's a way of reminding myself, too. In the end, and in truth, it's me who needs them the most, a normal human being, still trying to strive and struggling to remain on His path. 

May Allah forgive us.

The blessing of health and time.

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

Spring has finally bloomed, and I got the chance to visit Gulhane Park last 2 weekends. I was actually meeting a fellow Bruneian who happened to be studying in one of the madrasahs in Istanbul. I chose Gulhane Park because I expected the tulips to have started blooming, And they did! So we spent that afternoon enjoying the flowers and scent of spring, updating each other about things happening since we last hung out together. The day went well  -until that night I started having fever.

Not only that, I developed quite a bad cough as well, and for the whole week I was sick and I had to stay in to rest. It took around 3-4 days for the fever to completely go away, and currently my cough is not driving me crazy anymore. But I'm still in the process of dezombifying myself after the Sick Week, because falling sick has disrupted my physical and mental system from functioning normally. My plans for the week were badly shifted. My mind wandered more than it usually does, and then at one point I missed being healthy again.

It reminded me of the hadith by Rasulullah SAW on time and health. Time and health are indeed deceiving. We rarely realise their presence until we lost them. As I was resting, too hot (literally) to do anything, coughing my chest out, things i was supposed to be doing and things i had been wanting to do were doing somersaults in  my head, and I started to wish I had done them earlier at the time when my health permits. But I was too late.

Take care of your time and health whenever you can, because once gone, it's not something you can easily regain.

Things (and people) I have learnt (and am learning) to appreciate.

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

If we were given a chance to rant about every bad thing that ever happened to our life we might spend the rest of our life whining, but the wise words tell us to count our blessings instead.

Well actually if I was given a chance to rant I'd be talking until your eardrums blow up. But thinking again...

.....“This is by the Grace of my Lord to test me whether I am grateful or ungrateful! And whoever is grateful, truly, his gratitude is for (the good of) his own self, and whoever is ungrateful, (he is ungrateful only for the loss of his own self). Certainly! My Lord is Rich (Free of all wants), Bountiful” [An-Naml: 40] 

Mindset plays an important role to your mental strength. It highly affects your performance in everything you are involved in, from your career to being a social creature. Gratitude is one of the characteristic of a positive person. Gratitude is knowing that whatever we have, they all come from Allah. Gratitude, makes you forget about complaining.

The path that I have chosen to walk on has taught me a lot of things. I've come across with new people, new experience and many other things. Along the way I realised that I have taken a lot of things for granted. I'm currently in the process of accepting the fact that I can't rewind and rewrite my life. The process is never-ending, anyway. But I know that I can fully utilise whatever I have now to create a better future. 

• Islam.

I am, by birth, a Muslim. I had the privilege of listening to iqamah the day when I was going to start my journey in this world, but I don't need to tell what came after that and how I was back then. I can never imagine where would I end up if Allah didn't cross my path with the right people. Some people have lost the meaning of their life, and some found it, but they couldn't find a way to reach it. Some struggle to the point of losing their life. But in my case Islam was like a beautiful gift wrapped up nicely that I couldn't see among other perishable gifts I enjoyed unwrapping. This, too, leads to...

• Brunei

I never really paid attention to it. Until I realised that it is my responsibility to serve the land that has served me first. Abode of Peace. It is indeed an abode of peace. Despite of internal conflicts that we have (don't deny that we do have conflicts), it is my home. It is where I was born. The comfort might make me cling to it a bit more than I should, but listening to my friends talking about the problems of their respective countries has made me miss Brunei a bit too much. The people may make you wanna roll your eyes until you can see your brain, but aren't people meant to annoy you anyway? There, I don't have to worry about getting stuck in the middle of a protest or riot at the Mall Gadong or tambing (closest equivalent of Taksim Square), or having to wait in a 200-people long line to get a health insurance. In relation to the previous point, I can practice my faith with ease, solat in a comfortable space, and taking wudhu in a clean and easy-to-move-around space. Free religious education, too is provided. Here, if you wanna study about religion you go to the source by yourself, but in Brunei it is given to you without you having to move around much. Not only that, you basically get free education and healthcare.

• Education

Maybe because Brunei provides scholarship for everyone. Some of us even get monthly allowance to come to school beginning from the Sixth Form. Seriously, who gets money for studying? Bruneians do (disclaimer : I did not receive any monthly allowance during my 6th Form years) and we don't have to pay for it afterwards. Education leads to advancement. Be it in economy, civilisation, technology and even towards Allah. Some parts of the world are struggling to get access to education, and here I am, sometimes resisting the urge to be absent from class. Some people have to fork out a large sum of money and loan to continue their study, and to make it worthwhile they need to work very hard, having to endure all kinds of pain while we don't need to work even 100x less harder than them.

• Money

And I feel sorry for myself for being waaaaayy too better in spending than in saving. Now I realised that I, too, might not be able to continue my post-grad study under a grant. Seriously, in 5 years time anything can change. Our national budget has been cut by a small percent, have you heard? Istanbul has taught me a lot on financial intelligence. Yes, money can't buy a better future, but to ease your future the involvement on money is inevitable. Self-control is very much needed. Being put in a foreign place means being able to stand on my two feet without having to depend so much on the others in many aspects.

•  Parents.

Like during those kapih moment I tend to love my parents more. But after quite a while I realised that I am no longer a little girl, I am an adult, who should be responsible for herself and all her actions and decisions,and when calculated it seems like they have spent a lot more than they should for me and I have received more than I deserve, not just in terms of money. And realising that I am an adult now, it comes to my realisation too that my parents aren't as energetic as they were before, and it cracks my heart a little that I can't be there to help around the house, and it cracks me more to realise that I haven't provided a good helping hand while I was able to do so.

• Family

Nothing can attach you to another person more than blood can. After a long day outside, having to deal with other human beings that are getting on your nerves, you know how good it feels to finally be able to meet the people that shares the same kitchen with you for your whole life, talking about the highlight of your day over a good food.

• Time

But how many hours have we let to pass by doing other unnecessary things, spending it on other unimportant people, and not utilising it to improve the condition of the ummah? Your family is a part of the ummah, too. Apart from that, with that time we used socialising on social media can be used for us to improve other skills and advancing ourself more, so by the time we are 19 we don't have to regret over the things we wish we had done when we were 15.

• Opportunities

Too many chances have passed by, too over unimportant matters.

• Mistakes

Mistakes = lessons. After a series of them, you will see the wisdom inside every potholes you fell into, and out of them, appreciation will grow.

.

Belajar untuk redha.

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim

****

  Hani mengibas-ngibas selimut, menepuk-nepuk katil. Cemas semakin jelas menghias wajahnya yang bersih. Rantai emas warisan dari moyangnya hilang. Sudah dua jam dia mencari tapi hampa. Debaran itu begitu menghangatkan, manik-manik peluh semakin timbul. Dia menyentuh lehernya, membayangkan kalung berloket berlian berbentuk hati itu. Tiba-tiba dia ditembak satu ingatan. Dia melucutkan rantai itu sebelum bermain bola jaring di kampus semalam dan lupa untuk memakainya kembali. Cemasnya berbuah resah.

***

  Operasi mencari dijalankan. Hani mengelilingi gelanggang bola jaring itu dibawah silau matahari, meneliti rumput yang baru dipotong. "Jumpa?" Nabilah bersuara dari jauh sambil menghadang matanya dari terkena pancaran sang suria. Hani menoleh, menggeleng, dan terus mencari. Wajahnya basah dengan peluh dan airmata. Nabilah setia menunggu sambil turut memerhatikan sekeliling, berharap rantai kesayangan Hani akan berkilau disimbah cahaya matahari.

  Hani mula melangkah menghampiri Nabilah dengan riak hampa. Suaranya tersekat di kerongkong. "It's okay," kata Nabilah lalu merangkul bahu Hani. Mereka beriringan menuju kereta.

*** 

  Hani melintas jambatan yang merentasi parit besar itu menuju ke masjid. Musim kemarau yang melanda mengeringkan air yang biasanya mengalir deras. Sampah-sarap yang terkumpul di dalam parit itu mengguris hatinya yang cinta akan kebersihan. Dia berhenti, merenung kekotoran itu dengan penuh rasa sebal. Tiba-tiba satu kilauan menarik perhatiannya. Dalam timbunan sampah-sarah itu satu loket berlian berbentuk hati terjulur keluar.

"Alhamdulillah!" Hentakan kaki Hani yang berlari girang menggoncang lantai papan jambatan, dan babak hampir setahun yang lalu bermain di fikirannya.

"Mungkin sudah tiba masanya rantai itu milikkau lagi," Nabilah cuba menenangkan sambil memandu dengan kelajuan sederhana. Hani masih diam dengan air mata yang mengalir tanpa henti. Nabilah mencuri pandang. "Percayalah, apa yang Allah sudah seal jadi milik kita akan tetap milik kita selagi Allah tidak menetapkan sebaliknya," sambung Nabilah lagi. Hani masih melayan perasaan. Sekali lagi Nabilah melirik ke sebelah. "Siapa kita untuk cakap sesuatu itu hak milik kita? Kita tidak punya apa-apa. Semua yang ada pada kita adalah pemberian Allah. Bila-bila saja Allah boleh tarik pemberian itu. Segalanya Allah yang punya, bukan kita." ujar Nabilah dengan nada memujuk. Kata-kata Nabilah menyentap Hani, lalu dia beristighfar, menyesal atas keterlupaannya tentang hakikat itu. Dia terus beristighfar beberapa kali. Hatinya mula tenang. Dia menoleh ke arah Nabilah, lalu tersenyum. Nabilah membalas senyumannya. Dia redha. 

(TAMAT)

Berdasarkan kisah benar. Bukanlah se-epic cerita di atas, tapi cukup menguji sifat redha yang ada dalam diri.

Semoga kita tidak tergolong dalam golongan yang mengeluh saat diuji dengan kehilangan.

Being responsible for yourself.

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

It's been close to 5 months since I left home, and one of the major life lesson I've learnt (still having it in fact) is self-management. Not saying that I can't manage myself before, but after coming here I need to do it more than before. I'm sure I'm not the only one facing this.

No more scream demanding you to clean your room.

No more voice telling you to eat properly to keep your gastric at bay.

Having no one you can wake up at 3 in the morning to drive you to the hospital because your fever has not subsided after 4 days and is keeping you awake.

It's saddening and breaking you apart at times . All your source of strength is Allah, yourself and your friends. Oh, and your family too, via virtual world.

But deep inside you know that you can't be forever dependent like that. You know that one day it will end, but you are having it in a different way and maybe a bit earlier. So you decide that you have to get up on your feet on your own, walk your path, try not to stumble.

It's tiring. One day you might even find yourself shattered all over the place because it's squeezing you too tightly.

But isn't that the purpose of Allah sending you into such situation? A strong Muslim is more favoured by Allah than a weak one, and He is impressed by those who do not waste their time of youth.

It's not a shame to be responsible for yourself. It's a shame if you can't be responsible for yourself. Being responsible for yourself is basically providing the best for yourself, not letting yourself astray towards destruction.

Be grateful when  Allah sent you to a place where you need to raise yourself up. Allah is giving you a chance to impress Him. Being away from your family means you need to look after yourself and have control over yourself.

And everybody has a control over themselves, but only one out of two can hold the remote, either desire or wisdom.

You decide.

Worry ends where faith begins.

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

After our winter break during the first class we were shocked with the news that we were going to have class on Fridays, 9 am-6pm with 2 hr break between 12pm-2pm, and before this we had an extra day of weekend on Friday, so this explains why we were kinda dumbstruck for days.

Yesterday was the first class. Since I'm a morning person I could cope with the lesson well, Alhamdulillah. But by 3pm-4pm it was a struggle to keep my head on the teacher. In the mid of that a classmate was reading my friend's palm. We were sitting in a row. I asked her to read mine for fun.

[credit]

The verdict was :

1.     I'm gonna have 3-4 children

2.     I'll be married to a foreigner.

The second one got me staring at my palm for quite some time.

Other than those, my life line is missing. I don't know what does that suppose to mean, and on the "life" area it's not too wrinkly, which means my life is not gonna be too bumpy. Well, considering my life now I doubt so. Briefly describing there are only two thick lines on both of my palms, hence due to the extreme faintness of the lines nothing much can be concluded. And oh, another friend also took a look on my palm and said I'm gonna get married early.

Ahem. Stop looking at your palms please.

Note : Believing any form of fortune-telling may negatively affect our 'aqidah. Na'uzubillah.

The thing about these stuff is we when we believe them it leads to self-fulfilling prophecy.

Urban Dictionary :  Positive or negative expectations about circumstances, events, or people that may affect a persons behavior toward them in a manner that he or she (unknowingly) creates situations in which those expectations are fulfilled. In other words, causing something to happen by believing it will come true.

I was seriously staring at my palms awkwardly, trying to make sense out of the prediction. I checked eHow website on how palms are read and started doing the calculation. Okay so honestly I was kind of scared since I am currently in a multinational surrounding, so the number-2 sounded so highly possible to happen.

 Then it struck me.

Why do I have to be afraid about things that aren't in my hands?

Pun not intended.

These matters had been written on my page. Like my missing life line it doesn't mean I'm gonna die early, but I know that my day in this world is numbered, and all I need to do is live my life according to what Allah swt has instructed to do. And with all the other predictions, meh. I have many other tasks unaccomplished, for instance my assignment which is due this Monday, keeping all my 'amal up and improving, to not come back to Brunei as another leech on government's money, to tell people that there is another life waiting after death, which is infinite times better only if you live the current one enslaving yourself to the Almighty.

If you have enough faith that Allah is always providing the best for you, you won't budge even a bit to stare at your palm, which I did, you won't be bothered to wonder who is that person that takes up a spot on one line on the surface of you hand, you won't be bothered to wonder what problems you will encounter that caused your palm to look ugly. 

The lines on your hands are meaningless, unless if those two hands are worn out due to many good deeds you did.

The most important thing is :-

Rasūlullah e said, “Allah said, ‘I am as My servant thinks (expects) I am. I am with him when he mentions Me. If he mentions Me to himself, I mention him to Myself; and if he mentions Me in an assembly, I mention him in an assembly greater than it. If he draws near to Me a hand’s length, I draw near to him an arm’s length. If he comes to Me walking, I go to him hastily. 

 [Al-Bukhari]

#beyondayasofya - Ankara Part 3 (and a bit of Konya too)

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim

Part 1
Part 2

  We went back to the hotel and got the check in process done. The room was comfortable enough for 100TL. Well, minus that there was no air conditioner but it's winter anyway so we didn't really need it and we just turned off the heater. Soon after settling down we looked for a hotel in Konya online and we were lucky that there was a promotion at a hotel that offered only 70TL for one night. After a bit of research of what to do in Konya we went to bed.

  But we weren't even fully asleep yet when we heard a knock on the door, and for glitter's sake it was already midnight. We stayed silent, and in my head I tried to convince myself that there was no ghost in Turkey. We heard another knock on another door and my friend said it was probably a drunk. We heard a knock again. When it stopped we checked if our door was locked and went back to bed. There was still a knock on the other door and after some moments it stopped when we heard a voice telling the person off. Probably a drunk.

  The next morning we checked out, had breakfast and went to Anitkabir, the mausoleum of Mustafa Kemal Ataturk, the first President of Turkey.

Majestic.

  We toured the museum and learnt quite a lot about the changes made during the period of his reign, and really the development of Turkey since he held power was amazingly remarkable from the worldly perspective. 

  Then we went back to the original plan -visiting the Embassy. From Anitkabir we took a taxi to minibus station and went to the Embassy,  but of course, what is life without getting lost along the way? The minibus went along the main road and we didn't realise that we missed the junction to the office. Thanks to Google Map (which has been like our GPS throughout our stay here), we found the office after around almost 1 km of walking. 

  We were greeted by the staffs upon our arrival. I met His Excellency(HE) Ambassador of Brunei with his officer and spouse, told them what we encountered the night before and updated how my life in Istanbul so far. Later on, we went for a lunch before we were brought to their residence for a rest and to clean ourselves up.

  Then we went to Kizilay, which is like the shopping centre in Ankara to meet our friends before going to the main train station. We had not bought our ticket yet, and to make the story short the train we planned to take was full and the next train would be at 9.30 pm. Since the train takes 2 hours to reach Konya we decided to take a bus instead, which takes 3 hours. We went to the bus station and bought our tickets, and asked if there was wifi in the bus and the counter man said yes. Nope, no wifi at all.

  We reached Konya at 10.30 and our hotel called us asking where we were. I informed that we just reached Konya and asked how to reach the place. "You can go by minibus or taxi. Maybe take the minibus," he replied. Konya was foggy that night and in the darkness of the night we barely saw anything. When we got out of the station area to look for a minibus, there was an abi nearby who was about to cross the road, and we asked how can we get a minibus to get to our hotel. He offered, and more like insisted to send us by car because he was heading that way, too. Hesitated, we followed him. He said that he was a police and asked if we had any ID with us. I was still in doubt. We walked further and further away from the bus station, and he brought us further enough to turn my hesitation into suspicion, fear and panic. We reached a dark neighbourhood 10 minutes away from the bus station.

#beyondayasofya - Ankara Part 2

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim 

[Part 1]

  We were surprised and speechless. I dropped my backpack on my bed and my friend dropped seated on hers. We both were suppressing our giggles. It was funny but scary at the same time.  I sat with her, "What are we gonna do now?" I asked laughing, half-amused and half absent-minded. She shrugged. We could only exchange looks and laugh, then look at each other and laugh again. "Let's go outside," I suggested. 

  We sat outside of the entrance and tried to figure out how to get out of the mess. We contacted our friends in Istanbul, explaining what we'd got ourselves into. We were panic and we couldn't think straight. Finally we came up with a solution to request for a new room. Luckily, we could change to another room, but all rooms were mixed, too and all the double rooms were fully booked. The Efes-drinking abi (brother) told us that there would be no problem and if the man was ever to harm us we could just call him and he'd kick him out. We went back outside and sunk to the chairs. It was around 9.30 pm.

  We had no choice but to find another place, and we were on the verge of giving up already that we even considered of staying but our fear managed to keep us sane. We walked out from the street to the road and there was a hotel just across the road. Relieved, we walked in to inquire about the room rate only to be crushed again because it was 250TL per night. We walked along the walkway with hopes that we'd find an affordable place. As we were walking a man in his mid age was going the opposite way, dropping cards. We took a look, and there were different cards with different picture, but each of them was displaying indecent picture of barely dressed women with provocative poses and a phone number. We grew more terrified.

  To add up to that, we couldn't find any hotel along the way. We turned back, and saw a restaurant and decided to sit there for a cup of tea and pull ourselves together. All I could think of that time was to get out of the place, one idea popped in and spontaneously slipped out through my mouth, "Let's go to Konya tomorrow." But of course, we still needed to find a place to stay. We looked for hotels online but none of them were affordable. We tried not to cry, and it was 10 already. Then a light bulb lighted up - we asked the restaurant amca (uncle) if there was any cheap place to stay nearby, and he said he didn't know. We grew more tense that I bit my nail. Then another restaurant amca came and asked why we didn't have any place to stay. We burst out telling what happened to us, and he was shocked that we were obviously Muslims but were put together in a room with a male. The whole restaurant staff (they were only like 3-4 of them) was there, and faith in humanity restored. They helped us to find a new place to stay, and the tea was on the house.

The clock ticked to 11 after some waiting and we went to the hotel,accompanied by the 2nd amca, which was just on the street opposite to the hostel. We were so grateful that we kept on thanking him. Upon reaching the hotel he explained our situation to the receptionist and the receptionist was sympathetic too. We asked how much was it per night and he said 120TL. Another faith-in-humanity-restored moment when we he agreed to reduce it to 100TL.

  But we were not done yet with the hostel. Our stuff was still there, and we had to take them and ask for refund as we already paid for two nights. The amca kindly escorted us to take our things. When we reach there we explained to the abi that we were gonna check out that second. There was a slight dissatisfaction and he told us that it was in the description that the rooms were mixed. I explained that we thought the term "mixed" was referring to "mixed with other people of the same gender" and apologised for the misunderstanding. 40TL was burnt that night for cancelling. We went downstairs to take our things, the man was still sleeping. We tried to quietly pack up and and leave without him noticing, but we tried too hard that we were rushing and he did wake up because of the silent noises we made. We couldn't even be bothered to say anything to him and left straightaway, awkwardly greeting 3 men eating in the kitchen next to the room "afiyet olsun".

#beyondayasofya - Ankara Part 1

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم.

Assalamu'alaikum wrt wbt.

Since I was gonna have my winter break I decided to take trips outside of Istanbul. I tried to plan my trip since December but somehow whenever I try to do so the break seemed so far away I ended up procrastinating. my first options were Ankara, Edirne, Bursa and Konya (came a bit later in the picture), and I planned to tour istanbul too because believe it or not after 4 months I still haven't gone to some places. After some discussions and rearranging my schedule and reconsidering factors,my destinations were finalised -Ankara, Istanbul and bursa.

As the break was coming nearer I panicked as I hadn't made a proper plan. One week prior to the break we finally made a "more" proper plan. My main purpose of going to Ankara was to visit the Embassy of Brunei. My family and I planned to come to Ankara when I first came but we had to cancel due to health reason. I was actually about to do a solo trip, but my mother did not allow me, hence a friend came with me.

I informed the embassy that I was gonna come, made rough plan and bought a bus ticket as recommended by a contact from the embassy 2 days before going. 

19/1/2015 - Day of departure.

That morning I woke up at around 6.30 after sleeping at 1 the night before. After my morning routine it was time to get ready, and later on I finished up packing. We left our dorm at around 8.15 and our bus to Ankara would leave at 11. At around 9 we reached Uskudar for the Marmaray underground train. From Uskudar Marmaray we headed towards Yenikapi and transferred to Metro to reach the main inter-city bus station. Upon reaching the main station we dropped by a nearby mosque for Dhuha, grabbed something for brunch before going to our peron.

By the way I'm kinda a sucker when it comes to organising and minimising, So my clothes were stuffed in a small hand luggage for a 3-day trip. In total I brought a backpack containing a book, a notebook, a small pencil case,  iPad, snacks, cables, power banks and some other stuff and a hand luggage of clothes. 

So at 11 off we went to Ankara, with a bus comfortable enough for a 6-hour trip, complete with a TV for each passenger and WiFi. Surprisingly not long after the bus started to move, we both got carsick, which I think didn't happen during my (only) bus trip to Pontianak in 2009 and after 20 min or so a baby sitting few seats behind of us threw up, and at this moment my body spray came in handy, and not to forget that I realised that I left my charger cable at my dorm halfway through our journey. Ironically out of everything i packed to keep my phone alive which includes an extra power bank, I forgot the lifeline (pun intended). but luck was on my side. Our pit stop did sell charger cables, so a 35TL saved the day.

Alhamdulillah our journey went smooth and the view we saw was just, Subhanallah. It was as if we were sandwiched by snow-covered mountains from distant and as we were nearing Ankara they became closer and closer until at one point all we saw were hills, trees, and snow.

Pit stop

Accommodation 

We started searching on the net for a place to stay a few days before going, but we didn't seem to find any affordable place except for two hostels. I didn't wanna go for them because there were only shared rooms available and they stated "mixed", which meant that the room may put male and female together, but my roommate said that they separate male and female. After considering for a few days. we booked 2 beds in a 3-bed room. but not long after booking it a senior who is studying in Ankara offered to stay at her place. She was in Istanbul and returned to Ankara the day before we left. so we cancelled our booking- fortunately they didn't charge anything. 

In the middle of our journey however she contacted us again with a bad news. her place was occupied at the very last min and we couldn't stay with her. so we placed a booking again to another hostel. 

We reached Ankara at around 5.30. After getting everything done (read : finding our way and getting an Ankarakart, a transportation card for Ankara) we started heading to our place. 

It was around 5 stops and a few minutes walk from the Ankara Otogar. After checking in we went out for solat and dinner. When we first entered our room the other person occupying one of the beds were not in.

Going around

We first walked to Kocatepe Camii which is around 500m from our place. Kocatepe Camii is one of the biggest mosques in the world and can accommodate up to 24,000 people. When we reached the mosque however the lights inside were already off.

After that we went for a dinner. We had nothing fancy, just pizza. Then when we were heading back we dropped by at an arcade to try a 7D cinema.

We continued back going to our hostel, and when we entered our room we found a man sleeping on one of the beds. 

Istanbul -The Land of Strugglers

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim
Assalamu'alaikum wrt wbt

When i tell people i was gonna study in Istanbul I gotta endure all the "siuk-jua" reactions. I was actually quite excited as well. the only images I had in my mind were all the tourist attractions. I couldn't help gasping in awe when I first came, and I told myself this is gonna be fun. The first few days went well, and now I'm entering my 4th month, I'm living the reality and things aren't as good as I thought. 

Currently I haven't got my ikamet (residence permit) while all my friends who did it weeks or months after me have got theirs. I'm slowly learning to ignore the stares in bus, train or even in the dining hall at campus sometimes, and now that I can understand Turkish better I need to endure slight mockery too, though this is not as bad as the former, and don't make me start on the bureaucracy. Not forgetting the moments when I got lost trying to go around places. I'm still in the process of managing myself in order to survive this city. 

Other than those, frankly speaking Istanbul is quite pricey as well. People might get excited to shop at the Grand Bazaar, but seriously that place is the last one we'd go for souvenir shopping. And oh my, the men trying to talk you into coming to their shop or restaurant is just overwhelming. Believe it or not sometimes they even come to the extent of following you around. My friends and I wanted to buy the bus ticket to Ankara earlier. It was our first time, and as we got out of the train station at the Otogar Coach, one of the stations that connect Istanbul to other cities, several men were waiting literally at the end of the escalator, asking everyone where they want to go. The Otogar apparently is also an area where there are tens or maybe hundreds of offices of bus companies that provide transportation services. Just imagine the shops in BSB area but instead of shops the inside are ticket counters of many different companies. I was suggested to go with Metro or Varan (bus companies), but the men was so insistent they would bring us to buy the ticket. 

We were overwhelmed and absentmindedly agreed to follow one of them. Took us few seconds to digest everything and I was kinda speechless as we followed him. We stopped for a while, discussed about it and decided that we'd just check the prices first and then compare with other companies. He brought us to one company I didn't manage to see the name. the price was quite cheap but we still decided to check out if we could find better ones. So we explained that we wanted to check out the other companies but the person at the counter and the man that brought us insisted that they got the best price. We said we'd come again if we haven't got the ticket, so we went out and checked out at another company, and when we turn around we saw the man waiting for us outside. At this moment i started to freak out. We got out and he insisted us to go with the company he offered earlier. we politely said no but he still insisted that he even reduced the price. We refused and he gave up, but I sensed dissatisfaction in his face. so we continued to go around the place to go to one of the suggested ticket offices and passing by row of offices we got slowed down by the promoters promoting their companies. at one point an uncle stopped us and pushed us to buy ticket from the company he's working for. he even disallowed us from buying ticket from the company we wanted to buy from saying that they were expensive. When we said 'it's okay, we'll check first' there was a negative change in his expression, and when we left him he followed us and watched us from outside as we were buying our ticket. Creepy, I know. Along our way back too we got stopped numerous time but it was easier since we got our ticket.

This incident reminds me the situation in the Grand Bazaar and Spice Bazaar or anywhere else in Istanbul. You see same things everywhere. In one row of 10 eating houses its not impossible that you will see 10 doner skewers on display. Thing is you will find same things in one place. At the Grand Bazaar one vendor selling souvenirs are literally not more than 5 steps to the next that sell exactly the same stuff, and worse there are like hundreds of them. Same case with the Spice Bazaar, where hundreds of vendors selling same types of herbs and teas and sorts and they are all priced the same. The competition is just too harsh.

Thinking again I'm actually luckier than the others that come here to make their ends meet, because I don't need to annoy people as much as they do to survive this place unharmed. When even the locals are having a hard life I can't expect myself to get things done easily like they do back home. I think everyone is struggling here, whoever they are. I struggle, they struggle, everybody struggles. It's a good experience though, I would say. I have learnt to appreciate things more, and this place really shows me another way of handling life. And doesn't struggle come to toughen yourself? It does.

According to your potential.

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.
Assalamu'alaikum wrt wbt.

I can't really remember when exactly i started writing (which does not include facebook statuses), but it was around the time when blogging was like one of the craze at that time, probably when I was 13 or so. Around that time too I started to create quite highly imaginative stories, inspired by stories I came across. Time ticked, and I developed. my old blog has been deleted due to inactivity and nonsensical contents but mostly the latter. I started fresh with this new page, with the hope that it can benefit anyone.

New things, however, come with new challenges. Have i talked about insecurity and lack of confidence? One thing about realising what you have become is sometimes we are too afraid of the expectations and reactions we might get from our surrounding. I don't know to what extent is this true but it is I think kind of so me. So many things have been kept to vanish and some even have been kept unsolved. Actually, the only expectation we can't meet is our own expectation of ourselves. It's either because we put a mental barrier between ourselves and our expectations or our expectation is just too high and in the end we feel sorry for ourselves. Guess what? We don't have to. We don't have to be sorry for things we cant do. We don't have to be sorry for not being able to go straight to beyond our limit.

We do have our own limits. but we can expand it if we are willing to. Potential is like a space confined by brick walls. You can walk within it but you can't pass through the wall without having to break it, but of course you need rebuild the wall again in case you tore it down to clear the mess. Hence, utilise whatever is available within that space. You will be able to create more and in the meantime too you will naturally expand the boundary and adds more space according to your necessity. No rush, and no worry, because that space is yours. No one else can walk in it as fabulously as you do.

Coming to terms with the fact that I am, after all, a human being

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim
Assalamu'alaikum wrt wbt.

Personally speaking, I think a lot. if only thinking did not require new experience to constantly reshape my view on something i'd be a statue by now. Apart from the huge differences it has with Brunei, Istanbul  is a city full of surprises. The snow in my place was quite thick the other day, for example, and many more other things that have been bombarding me since the first day i came here.

Currently, im being tested with quite a complicated equation. Along the line i'm putting in factors, possibilities, causes, effects, consequences, outcomes and such and try to reason with myself.

Personally speaking, too, i'm actually afraid of making mistakes and i highly prefer perfection despite of not being a perfectionist. When things fall even slightly apart, i'll panic like the world is ending and start apologising though actually there's no big deal with that. when the guilt presents it burns me to ashes. i whisper to myself how stupid i am for making mistakes.

however, with the experiences and the constant thinking/reasoning i realised that i'm actually a normal human being, and human is quite well known to make mistake. i really forgot that i am a human being, not kidding.

im sure someone somewhere is encountering the same problem. we cant accept our weaknesses and start to curse ourselves when they surface now and then, and that is not healthy. we forgot that perfection doesnt exist in this temporary world.

im slowly trying to embrace that natural part of being human -making mistakes. it's hard, but that's just the fact.

Did you just screw something up? Congratulations, you are a normal human being.